


the greatest cultural phenomenon since vicious’s six pack

by r0wlets



Series: cresty family baja blast au [2]
Category: Tales of Crestoria, Tales of Series
Genre: AU, Gen, Past Sexual Assault, crackfic, crude language, the dumb cresty family au tag i'm using, this fic is very fucking dumb and so am i
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 05:00:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29977725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/r0wlets/pseuds/r0wlets
Summary: Kanata doesn't have a conventional family life, but that's okay with him. At least....he's pretty sure it's okay. Crackfic
Series: cresty family baja blast au [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2196459
Kudos: 2





	the greatest cultural phenomenon since vicious’s six pack

**Author's Note:**

> you know how this turned out to be like 10% crackfic and then turned 120% crackfic at the end of things and i'm just like YEAH.   
> well. yeah.   
> when i was a teenager i had a blast writing pokemon crack fanfic and i just think that i'm going back to my roots. or i just really needed to get this out klhfkldhklhklhkl

_ the greatest cultural phenomenon since vicious’s six pack _

The first years of Medegal Super Awesome Happy-Go-Lucky Sparkling High School were a very close-knit bunch of kids. They were from a wide arrangement of different socioeconomic, geographical, and arte-based backgrounds, but there was one thing that brought the vast majority of them together…

Fucked up family dynamics.

Kanata crunched on his apple, enjoying the crisp sound it made. After transferring into Super Awesome Happy-Go-Lucky Sparkling High with Misella, the two of them had difficulties adjusting to a sense of normalcy at first, but Kanata quickly adjusted to the environment, as if this had always been his second home. And since it felt like his second home, he and his friend Caius led the daily after school cleanup of Class 1-B.

They had just finished for the day and were on their way home. Beside him, Caius flung his school jacket across his shoulder and placed his hands in his pockets, whistling a short tune. Their high spirits were usually contagious, and Misella admired that Kanata was becoming a top role model at Super Awesome Happy-Go-Lucky Sparkling High. “I can’t wait to dig into some Kid Cuisine!” he said, grinning. “Those mini corn dogs fit perfectly around my fingers!”

Misella began to faze out of the peripheral fourth-wall screen. Caius and Rubia gave each other a look, one that was very unchristian of them, and the half-leymon scratched the back of his neck. “Bro, didn’t you have Kid Cuisine mini corn dogs yesterday?”

“And the day after that,” Rubia pointed out.

“We’ve had Kid Cuisine mini corn dogs for two weeks straight now,” Misella said sharply, almost  _ too  _ sharply. “I would prefer more meat, but it’s all we can afford and it’s what Kanata likes, so I too will like Kid Cuisine mini corn dogs.” 

Caius patted Kanata’s shoulder. “Dude, Arria and Forest make too much food. All the time. You and Misella are more than welcome to come over any time and eat.”

“What kinda meat you got?”

“Wait, Misella!” Kanata did a half-bow, clapping his hands together in apology. “I like Kid Cuisine, though. It makes me feel like a little kid again. Of course I enjoyed helping out at the orphanage, but besides being a sex cult trafficker Dad didn’t really get healthy childhoods. We only got meat.”

“I’m pretty fucked up, but I think having access to all that meat was a fair tradeoff. Meat…”

Another long, judgmental stare. Finally, Rubia sighed and took a step ahead of them, crossing her arms. “Okay. We’re just a little concerned that your, uh….dads? Are rubbing off on you the wrong way. Especially the alcoholic one.”

Kanata raised an eyebrow. “Oh, Vicious? He’s harmless. He just likes tequila.”

“Kanata, he keeps saying ‘yeehaw, this cums’ at every PTA meeting!” Rubia snapped. “You think that’s normal?”

“Yeah, pretty normal.”

“I don’t see a problem with it,” Misella said quietly. “All men are dumb like that.”

“Yeah, I get that.”

Rubia glared at her boyfriend. “Caius!”

“I mean...she’s not  _ wrong _ , Rubia.”’

Soon Caius and Rubia settled into one of their usual squabbles, and Kanata and Misella left them to walk ahead to their apartment where they lived. Considering everything that they had gone through within the last couple of years and the constant near-death experiences they shared, Kanata thought living a tame life and being enrolled in a high school despite having a fourth grade education at best was pretty normal. Battling beasts and the military was pretty exciting, but the slice-of-life tidbits of long baths and Beyblade competitions at lunch were pretty entertaining too. 

He was also sure that the break was good for everyone else, even for Orwin, even though the old geezer had still yet to be added to canon storylines.

Kanata was about to fish out his key from his fanny pack when the door was kicked open and a very scary man wearing clown makeup came out, cursing under his breath. The kids could see inside that a very aggravated Aegis had a few shirts draped over his arm, which meant that he was folding laundry and things  _ never  _ were okay when Aegis folded laundry. Misella squinted inside and gestured to the apartment with her thumb. “Do you wanna take your chances inside or outside?” she asked. 

Before the blond could answer, a familiar arm pulled him into a headlock and began dragging him away. While Misella began shooting fireballs across the stairwell, Kanata looked up at the angry clown man in confusion. “Vicious? What’s that on your face? It doesn’t go well with your cowboy hat.”

A cowboy hat was mspainted onto Vicious’s gorgeous locks as the man grunted. “Kid, we gotta start getting you cultured,” he snarled. “I’m going to the ICP Orchestra Bass Boosted Carnivale and you’re coming with since  _ SOMEBODY  _ IS TOO  _ SUPER LIGHT CHRISTIAN TO COME WITH _ !”

“Eat shit!” Aegis snapped from above them. “And stop likening me to Jesus memes! Kasque is going to smite us all if we keep hyping him up to be the ultimate Christian himbo!”

“God, see what I gotta deal with when you two are in school? What good does school do anybody anyway? I got a whole ass phD overseas and all I obtained from it was massive amounts of medical debt…”

Kanata stared down at his fingers. He was sure he’d be passed out if he wasn’t a fictional character. “Well, we learn math and English and history and years of internalized racism.”

“Well, throw that last part away, kid. We’re too cool for racism. Now put this 2L of red Faygo under your school uniform and get in the wheelbarrow. Motorcycle’s on maintenance.”

Briefly, Kanata thought that even the Great Transgressor himself had his uncool moments as he scrambled into a wheelbarrow with a missing wheel. The warm 2L of pop sloshed back and forth under the boy’s stomach as Vicious wheeled him along the highway, telling him stories of one of the greatest clown duos of all time. ICP, as Vicious called them, were an American clown- no,  _ juggalo _ duo - based on the culture of clown hip-hop. They were pretty underground until The Homestucks ™ referenced them in their comics, and then for years convenience stores and anime conventions were cursed by an entire generation of cosplaying teenagers.

Since then, though, things had settled down, and the juggalos were back to doing whatever the fuck they were doing. Kanata thought this was really...stupid. Maybe this was just another one of those generational gaps, like when Aegis referenced period novels and that special smell of Blockbuster. What even  _ was  _ a home video rental? 

He didn’t really know Vicious’s age, either, and it was pretty rude to ask, but at least it made Vicious happy, so it made Kanata happy to go along with it.

Kanata was very much  _ not  _ happy, though, when the two of them stopped by a ditch off the highway and Vicious pulled out a bunch of spray paint cans from his bag. “Okay, kid. The cummening comes. We’re gonna get you all set up for this orchestra carnivale.”

The Great Transgressor took off his shirt and began spraying. Under the faint sunset, Kanata saw that his skin was beginning to turn gray. Like hospital gray. He really wished he was sitting at home eating his 30th Kid Cuisine batch of mini corn dogs by now. “Uh, Vicious?”

“Yeah, kid?”

“Is this….ever going to come off?”

“Probably not. You might want to drop out of school for a while. Better for ya anyway.”

“Okay.”

Neither were much for words; usually Aegis and Misella took over the conversations. In some ways this really felt similar to an interaction with that of a real dad, and the warm and fuzzy rushed back into Kanata’s heart as he thought of all the good times he had with Cody before his dad tried to sell Misella to a sex cult. Vicious might’ve been a former criminal and an ex-Yakuza and a broke university student, but he wasn’t  _ vile _ . Surely this was good parental bonding for them, right?

Finally Kanata broke the silence as he whiffed some noxious fumes while they were sprayed almost directly into his eyes. “Vicious, can I call you Dad?” he dropped the bomb.

Silence. If it wasn’t for the orchestra carnivale, Kanata was pretty sure he would’ve been abandoned right then and there. Then Vicious let out a little grumble and a few more curse words. “Only on this trip, and don’t make it fucking weird, okay, kid? You can’t have sex until you’re 40.” 

“What? No! Okay! Thanks…Dad.”

“Nah, my massive dong is shriveling up. You can only call me Great Paternal Cum Guzzler, and only on this trip.”

“What? No! No….Vicious...that’s a real terrible idea. Forget I ever asked.”

“And forget you ever heard that when I rail your other dad when we get home. Let’s get going.”

They could hear the orchestra carnivale miles and miles away. If Kasque had an atom of faith in humanity, she would’ve smote the entire tristate area decades ago. There were bass, and bass boosters, and shitty iPhone quality trackfones, and many, many kazoos, so many kazoos it was like an ultimate rave party….except it was a juggalo gathering. Half-naked men and women everywhere bobbed their heads to a beautiful rendition of “Miracles” while drinking Faygo straight out of two-liters, and there were monster trucks  _ everywhere _ .

When Kanata saw Vicious, Great Transgressor and ass-kicker of everything, get on his knees and start crying, he knew he was no match for this insane clown posse. 

They were never getting out of here. 


End file.
